November 6, 1984: A CEO is Born

At 10 pounds and 11 ounces (half of which being reproductive organs), Ron and Pam gave birth to King David Paul Caron. Their prodigal genius baby would prove to be not only their handsomest creation but also their most beloved. Success would come natural for me. Even before I was conceived I started out in the mail room of my father's Vas Deferenes only to experience my meteoric rise to "CEO" of the egg in mere seconds. It wasn't long before I mastered all instruments, sports and the real time strategy game, Starcraft 2. After becoming bored and restless I was looking for a new challenge and it wasn't long before I found it. My destitute family came begging to me on their hands and knees one day, pleading for me to turn their business from a meager craft to a successful international enterprise. Being the generous and compassionate soul that I am, I reluctantly accepted to lead them to greatness. After several hours of hard work, the transformation under my great leadership and guidance was complete. Eternally grateful and indebted to me, my family bestowed the title messianic super hero CEO to which I shortened to CEO as I am nothing if not humble and modest.http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

David Caron,

messianic super hero CEO of Olive Authentique

You can see their new website here

Jobless dave strikes back

"Hey dood. How come you don't do jobless dave anymore? We want moar!"

I've heard this at least twice now.
So what exactly happened? I'll tell you what happened.
Being jobless stopped being fun. It stopped being funny.
Hard to come up with hilarious jokes when you're wiping your poverty tears with kraft dinner coupons.
Ok it's not that bad, I'm being dramatic. I just haven't figured out what I want to do when I grow up.
Ok fine I'll be beard mentor.

Looking for a beard mentor
I've had a moustache and beard off and on over the years, and I've tried styling it in the past but I just can't seem to get it to the next level. I'm looking for some srs protips with this, as well as possibly some styling services by someone with skilled hands. Please submit to me your beard/moustache resume. Also if you have pictures of you achievements that would be greatly appreciated.



Dear beard enthusiast,
Guess what? I was born bearded. For a nominal fee I can guide your beard.
I will teach you what it takes to have an awesome beard. Just make sure you don't have unusually sensitive hands because strangers will want to high-five you like a million times a day. Your beard will be so sick it will make ZZ top look like a bunch of prepubescent boys. According to wikipedia, "men with facial hair have been ascribed various attributes such as wisdom and knowledge, sexual virility, masculinity, or high social status; and, conversely, filthiness, crudeness, or an eccentric disposition." Ya that's right. With my help you'll be a wise, filthy ass, eccentric sex man.
You'll be able to use your beard to:
-Pick up ladies
-make hipsters envious
-be mistaken for a convicted sex offender or public masterbater.
please see my pictures included


(I swear your honor, I thought she was 14!)

(This beard picks up ladies independently of me)

Pizza Plumber

Hey guys,
I'm still looking for work. It's been rough out there. It's gotten to the point where I'm working for food. I hope to have some luck with this next gig,

Plumb for Exposure and a Free Meal!
I'm just getting started in my new home and I'm looking for plumbers to come in for 1 to 2 hours a night to get exposure for your plumbing and a frozen pizza. The old owners used to go for galvanized, but I'm thinking my fixtures might like some copper or PEX. This is a great opportunity to show off your plumbing skills to everyone who ever craps at my house.

I don't have any materials here, so be sure to bring your own pipes, tools and whatever else you need to really plumb your best.

If your first night goes well, you'll be considered for some paying plumbing in the future. Unless my calendar is already full of plumbers willing to work for free.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Sir,
It is with great enthusiasm that I wish to apply for the position of plumber.
I must warn you that I don't have any formal training in plumbing per se. That being said - I think you'll find I'm the ideal candidate.

When I was a kid I built (to my parent's horror) an outhouse in my backyard. My friends described my workmanship as "a delightful dumping experience". It was only after years of neglect and a particularly rainy spring that the outhouse overflowed, ruining my father's prized asparagus garden.

As a young man I hooked up both my grandmother's septic system and configured her glass walk in shower. It was no fault of my own that when the septic system backed up that she had the most horrific shower of her life.

(a very unfortunate mud bath)

For a while my girlfriend was complaining about a leak in the kitchen sink. I rectified the situation by drinking less. I haven't had a leak in my sink for quite some time now.


After a few missteps I wish to improve my skills and get the recognition I deserve. It is a dream of mine for people to recognize me as the Pablo Picasso of plumbing.
My favorite pizza is cheese.
warm regards,
Jobless Dave

I am a Teleportation Scientist.

I came across a great business opportunity today! Awesome!

We are a small group of very well qualified businessmen who have a complete business plan that aims to yield investors, and partners, 1,000% returns within only a five year period. We have all the pieces in place, including CEO, marketing, and finance management. The only missing piece is YOU! We are looking for a very motivated, team-oriented scientist who has experience in teleportation research and/or technology. We will provide patent funding and small stipend. Once technology prototype is developed, the business will take off running- or teleporting! Significant equity will be provided as payment. Send a resume and any other information that may set you apart from other teleportation scientists. Can't wait for you to join our team.

Dear sir or madam,
It is with great enthusiasm that I wish to apply for the position of teleportation scientist. While I don't posses any formal scientific education or training, I do have a pretty impressive list of patents and inventions.

As a teenager I invented the world's first edible cellphone.
A few years later I successfully created a black person detector. This was met with some controversy.
I invented an elixir that would make trees gay for a few minutes.
While working for the military I came up with the concept for a pedophile grenade.
I was one of the scientists working on the Hadron collider. While I never found the "God particle", I did find a "Fred particle".
On a quest to turn garbage into gold I accidentally created a device that turned gold into french fries.
I also divided a worm's soul into 2.

In addition to my impressive inventions and accomplishments I also have my own lab coat and goggles. I very much look forward to teleporting things asap. I'm currently working on teleporting my ex girl friend and her stupid new boyfriend to Titan, one of Jupiter's moons. I can start on Monday.
Warm Regards,
Jobless Dave

Thanks for reading and don't forget to join the jobless dave facebook page.
If I somehow get 100 fans I'll totally eat a spider or something.

A Guinea Pig Physics Fail

Last week I applied for the position of guinea pig sitter. I successfully landed the job. Here's the ad I responded to.

I'm seeking a babysitter for my pet guinea pig.
Newton is a 4-year-old male whose hobbies include blank staring and squawking when he runs out of carrots. Although he wrote the fundamental laws of physics in his younger years, he now prefers eating carpet to advancing the understanding of natural phenomena.

In spite of his catatonic stupor, Newton is super cute. Just look at this bitch:



You know you want to pet him.

I'll pay you $75 to take care of his dumb ass for two weeks, and all you have to do is keep him warm, clean, and well-fed.

Dear Sir,
Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to babysit Newton. It's been a real pleasure. As you know I possess extensive experience with a variety of rodents. I've even been referred to as a pig whisperer on at least 2 occasions. I just wanted to drop you a line and provide you with an update on Newton - he's dead. Newton got free from his cage and plummeted to his death. I can only speculate but I believe Newton was trying to verify his first rule -

Every object in a state of uniform motion tends
to remain in that state of motion unless an external
force is applied to it.

In this particular example Newton was the object in a state of motion. He remained that way until an external force (in this case my ceramic floor) was applied to Newton.
At least we know he died doing what he loved.
Death by inertia - both sad and ironic. You'll be pleased to know that otherwise his stay was very enjoyable. I fed him only organic carrots. Given that Newton survived half of his tenure at my place I would feel bad accepting the full 75$. I'll will instead settle for half of the amount.
-Jobless Dave

Sorry Kids but Skittles is dead.

You get the idea by now - Here's today's job application:

My deceased aunt gave my two kids a Cocker Spaniel a few months back. The dog has been a terror and become overwhelming for me. I am a single father raising two young children. I cannot face telling the kids that the dog must go. I have found a good home for the dog, and just need someone to transport the dog, and play the villain.

Premise: You will be the dog walker hired by daddy (me) to walk Skittles. I will introduce you to the kids, and you will tell them you are going to help Skittles get her exercise when Daddy is too busy to walk her. At that point you will walk Skittles to your car and take her to her new family 20 minutes from my place. Then return holding just a leash. The story will be that Skittles broke free of the leash and took off. At this point prepare for crying, things being thrown at you, and possibly cursing. My kids are young and dramatic... they're girls.

Pay will be $500. The job will take roughly 2 hours at best.

This job is ideal for an actor looking to diversify their role base, or someone who genuinely likes to make children cry. Acting experience is a plus, but not necessary. Please inform me of any prior experience in this kind of situation.

Dear Sir,
It is with great enthusiasm that I wish to apply for the position of dog loser.
I am a fantastic actor and I gain great pleasure from making children cry. Just Last week my friend had to put his 14 year old cat pancakes to sleep. It was my job to concoct a story for his children. I told his 2 daughters that pancakes spontaneously combusted because he didn't eat his vegetables. His daughters cried hysterically for quite some time but now they eat their damn broccoli.

When my girlfriend's beloved poodle pooped on the rug one too many times I granted him liberty by setting him "free" downtown. (pickles was slightly too fat to be flushed down the toilet - believe me I tried). I explained to my girlfriend that pickles promptly expired after simultaneously eating my girlfriend's tofu casserole and barking loudly while I was watching hockey.
Not only do I no longer have to take pickles out for walks anymore but my girlfriend hasn't made a vegetarian meal or asked me to do chores while I'm enjoying the game anymore.
Thank you for your consideration,
-Jobless Dave

Kung Fu Taxidermy. Yes you read that correctly.

Dear Craigslist,
Thank you.
-Jobless Dave

Wanted: Taxidermist who watches a lot of Kung Fu
I am looking to hire someone with the means to obtain and stuff animals in fashions I choose, which will be Kung Fu for now. When I was younger I convinced a friend of mines dad to create two squirrels Kung Fu fighting. I still think about it from time to time and have decided to get my own Kung Fu animals, I understand this is a bizarre request. Serious inquiries only, please E-Mail me the species of animals you commonly hunt or can obtain and your rate for taxidermy of each in various Kung Fu poses. Mounting preferred. Once again I feel I must state this is serious. If you can show any of your previous work it will probably give you an edge on the competition. Please respond via/e-mail. Thank you.

Dear Sir or Madam,
This is amazing. There are 2 things in this world that I excel at - Taxidermy and martial arts. Finally I can combine these two passions of mine. Just imagine the possibilities. I love your idea of Kung fu squirrels, but why stop there?
visualize these babies of epicness!
- a menacing bass performing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu
- a sinister goose engaged in a fierce Taekwondo stance
- a blood thirsty badger performing Aikido
- and finally a malevolent Muay Thai monkey
Shit this is so awesome.
I've attached my first work of art: A mother @$^%ing bear doing Karate!!! AMAZING!!!!

BLACK BELT BEAR IS ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!

I also have a collection of bugs that I carefully place in various yoga positions.
Thank you for your consideration,
-Jobless Dave